sHaR3~

Being in a relationship really taught me alot. I still have alot more to learn from actually. Just a few minutes ago, we had a fight. The moment was bitter, painful, cold and loveless…

It started off with my facebook. I realized my boyfriend logged-in to my account just to buy himself back on Friends For Sale. It’s like he couldn’t wait for me to buy him back myself. I really dislike it, the way he is doing things. It is like, he is telling me, “buy me back please, because you have to.” I played Friends For Sale because I choose to and not because I have to. And recently it was difficult for me to go online. I told him my password once so that he could help me check some stuff or upload some pictures. He used it after that to buy himself back from Friends For Sale. I even wonder if he has a deal with his friend, telling them to buy him, so that I will buy him back and he will increase his value. It’s sick, just because I will buy him back… I told him after that I was really angry and I would really hope he doesn’t do it again. He said he wont do it again. I trusted him.I only found out when I couldn’t log-in to my account and saw my own profile updates.

Just a few minutes ago, I logged into my facebook and I saw another update. It was Friday. Today is Sunday. He did it again. I really wonder how can I trust him. What if what if what if questions keep popping out of my head, saying what if he does this to your bank accounts? This is one fear I have after I learnt what happened to his parents. I just wish he wouldn’t have his footsteps. I wish it is not in the genes. I was telling myself. “SHUT UP. Thank you for sharing.” I don’t want to believe it. For now I am changing my password until I decide that it is really nothing.

We argued after I confronted him. He threw it back at me saying that I did the same. Asking him where is he going, what will he be doing, with whom and etc. He always answers, “I’m going to do my stuff first” or “I’m going out with my friend” or maybe, “Friend la”. This answers… I’m like, “why can’t you be straight with me??” I know I react negatively when I get angry that doing your stuff is playing dota or maybe chatting with agnes. But dota is really not healthy, that’s for sure and I have slowly accepted it. Agnes in the other hand… Something just went wrong and I still can’t trust her. I will get jealous but I will get over it. I just need to know. I want to know if she is up to something that might take you away from me. Baby I’m just so afraid. Even if you wont leave me, you will never know what will a third party do to a relationship. I still allow you to be friends with her, I’m fine with it. Don’t hide it from me. Be straight with me while I learn to accept it. It might take me forever. I will try my best. I hope you see that I’m trying…

Passwords are like the locks and keys to a diary. My diary was once read by my parents, my sister and even my maid. I lose respect for them. They didn’t respect me at all. Though I have nothing to hide, maybe I did but it really has nothing to do with this people involved. It’s my life. Now when my boyfriend does it even when a warning is given. What is that??

Fine! I will trade it with him. Though it is such a small thing for him. I mean he gets to log-on to my Facebook all he wants! I have to give up knowing what my boyfriend is up to. As a girlfriend, I do not know what will he be doing. He will be doing stuff with his friends who cares what happens. I’m afraid people will be calling me stupid for not making sure my boyfriend is still my bouyfriend. Maybe if he has anothe out there I won’t even know it, because I’m not suppose to know. No such right as a girlfirend huh? Then how do you assure me? Show me you love me? Is that all? No words of reassurance at all? U can love me here and like her there. I just mean it can happen, that’s the worst case. I’m not saying that you’re doing it. I’M TRADING IT WITH YOU! I GIVE YOU MY STINKING PASSWORD AND FROM KNOW ON I WILL NEVER QUESTION YOU.

What kind of girlfriend will I be I wonder….

Disappointed.

I used to call and you would answer happily…

I used to send short messages and you would reply immediately

I used to go to your place and you always serve me

I used to hug you and you always will hug me

I used to discuss our problems and you would listen

I used to cry about things and you would hold me

I used to clean your room and you make sure it stays clean

I used to get kisses whenever, wherever

Am I less important now?

Now I call, you answered “WHAT?”

Now I send sms and you will never reply

Now I go to your place, you always fall asleep

Now I hug you and you just sat there dota-ing

Now I discuss our problems you say I’m making a fuss

Now I cry about things you turn away with disgust

Now I clean your room, you mess it up

Now I rarely get kisses anytime and anywhere….

Do You Still Love Me…?

After 1 year of being in a relationship. It is the longest one so far. Well it’s the only one. It is really easy to get used to being in a relationship. The only hard part is when both parties start to turn cold and blunt. Assuming and accusing comes in line because both parties thought that being one year together means you can read the other person’s mind. But one doesn’t know when changes takes place, the reaction chose wasn’t accusing or assuming but just caring. That’s a change but sometimes the opposite party don’t see it. They see it from what they have experienced before.

For example, there is a bad habit that your partner has and you know exactly what is the outcome going to be. You avoid talking about that issue or maybe give a glare when you talk about this issue, the reaction may be what you expected but a little different, because your partner has changed. He or she wants to tolerate you but the first reaction is always the same, only what is in the heart and the intention is different.

For a real example, it was late at night at the time where you usually call him to say good night and go to dreamland together but he says, “erm, can I call you back LATER? I’m a little busy here!” The first thing that comes into my mind would be… “It’s dota again isnt’t it??” He says, “what’s with the tone of your voice? What’s wrong with playng dota anyway? And I haven’t been playing for a very long time!” I said, “yes, I know… but you just played yesterday and it’s late now, tomorrow you have to meet your group members at 8am! I didn’t say you can’t play, I’m just saying you played yesterday and it’s already late.” He got pissed and sms later saying sorry but, “it sounds like I have to ask for your validation just to play my game.” Ridiculous! He already start playing and I have no way to stop him, I was only being sacarstic, but I do care and I know he has been stressed out due to his assignments. He assumes and accusses me because I used to hate him playing dota. Everytime I hear that he is playing I get very angry. Now I have accepted it, only that my first reaction will always be a “no”.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite, playing games… are always a wrong hobby to me, especially when addicted. But it is his only way to stress out. I forgive him and let him play…

I only called to say good night… You can’t call me back LATER. It’s too late. YOU should try recording your voice when you talk to me while playing Dota. It’s always cold and blunt, like I never matter to you in your ‘Dota World’.

Are we still happy now?

So many things happen, bad and good. Sometimes both are God’s plan. I studied in KDU only to find out that I’m stuck in this place called ‘home’. This home consist of Dad, stepmom and lil step sis. Ever since, I had less freedom. It got me so irritated that I always want to leave home and stay out! I even planned to go overseas to work, but it didn’t turn out that way. I met my bf and things got a bit better when I found a job near my home, recommended by my dad.

Today and from now on, I can’t drive. He is taking the car away from me so that my stepmom can use it. Frustrated I waited for my stepmom to drop me at work. I had to meet with a client named Bryan, but he was in 1u so I had to go over. At the same time I banked in some cheques and also paid some bills. He was still discussing with his prospect. So I went to walk around and I bump into a perfect gift for my bf^^ A bag pack that he wanted, with lots of compartment, with bargain price and gift wit purchase. Before this I already thought of what bag to get him, but now I got something cheaper, lasting, cool-looking and with a 3 year warranty and a gift. Perfect. The day went well.

I believe God also has a plan for my future. Recently I have problems with my bf cause I spent to much unecessary time with him and I got no time for myself. He told me to find something that I can do without him. It really didn’t come into my mind that time. Today I realise that I need my friends, since my family is really not a family to me. Friends will always be at my back to support me no matter what, because these friends are not any other friends. They are friends since I was in primary school and we went through secondary together too. I hope to get in touch with them. Not forgetting my new church friends. Someone I can depend on when my family go havoc!

All these happening may help my relationship with my bf. That in the future, he would work hard so that the day he takes care of me will come true. I love you Lord Jesus. I love you too baby.

God's Plan

It might sound like I’m saying Gmail has alot of space but sometimes when I attach documents or pictures, I really run out of space and due to my slow connection, only after 10 mintutes plus it will tell me “Delivery Notification Failure”.

Well in my relationship, I’m the attachment and my bf is the mailbox with limited space. I always like to leave him a package while it somehow rather becomes a really big package where he can’t accept it because it’s overloaded…

What is the problem here? The attachment or the mailbox? Well of course it is the attachment right? Sigh… I may need to compress it and send it separately, maybe zip it or don’t send.

In the relationship, I think… It is really hard for me to compress things. Maybe when we meet we have just a short meet-up. Taking one thing at the time, but I rather have a longer meet-up because he is not available to receive my mail every other day. It is only available alternate days. Or should I not meet up with him at all? That’s impossible!

I hope someone can teach me how to compress…

Attachment and Mail

All that holiday my family planned, I planned, and my friends planned is really putting me into a holiday mood. Recently I have signed up in Celebrity Fitness to make sure I lose another 5kg and turn some fats into muscle. I wan’t a healthy life or not I will always feel like I don’t want to get up in the morning. I’m going to exercise regularly. I realised that my complexion is better after working out and also taking some supplements. I took Spirulina Pollen from MJ, the amazing food product that really helps me in strengthening my immune system, giving lots of vitamins especially vitamin b and many many more benefits. 3 pages full! I also took antioxidants Be-Young. It really give me a better complexion. I also take Aloe Vera from GNC. For me to go toilet smooothly. LOLZ! It does help! And of course, I have to continue drinking more water. Smile more often and move around more (be active). Everyone should be like this. Don’t lose hope and motivation for taking care of your own health! Your health is in your hands, get a good rest! I had my rest! Lots of vacations which put lots of smiles on my face, also lots of pounds! Lolz! But I enjoyed it very much, because being busy with the things that you like to do is the best. Spending time with my baby is the best too! Getting to work where I here no sound except my Windows Media Player is really boring. Sitting in front of my laptop all alone… Really boring and its not good for my eyes. I just want to enjoy~ So heh heh I will walk around in 1U looking for fashion updates. Holiday mood…. I wish my boss is here. She will get me going for work and I really prefer that^^ The next trip, my friends and I might go to Bukit Tinggi, nothing there but a good short escape. Holiday mood again~~~ Ish!

Chemistry of Love

It’s just so hard to understand, so hard to absorb, needs lots of patience, hard to tolerate and not as easy as it sounds. You may get calculations like u + me= love. But in actual fact it is almost me + u and your personality, habits, emotions, routines, sensitivity, past, family, friends, work, education, financial, plans, time, effort, initiative, tolerance level, patience level, uniqueness, the good and the bad. Everything wont fit in that’s for sure. You can’t absorb all that unless you really are a sponge. It’s annoying at times, yet so peaceful and loving at other times. It is all in your mind. Whether you control it or your mind will control you.

For those that has experience jealousy before, hands up! I see majority has.

But have you realized there is really nothing to be jealous about? Is she going out with him, a really close friend or a pet brother which she assures you, nothing will happen between them. You have seen it. You were there when they were out together. They are perfectly normal friends. How about to the girls, has he been in his cave for a long time? A new cave probably? A cave that involves spending time with colleagues and friends, maybe even classmates? You know very well that he only loves you! You are his one and only, he still spends time with you and loves you so much but… why is it when he is not here, you are jealous? It is all in your mind.

Psychologically, mentally, subconsciously…

One can’t explain it… Only others can judge them and change them, because towards yourself you are stubborn. Maybe towards others you are softer. Have your friends help you. Or maybe think again when ever you decide on your feelings.

Is it rational? Is it… (what’s that word Ms. Puteri said?) FEASIBLE! lolz

Should I react like this? Accidents only happens when one chooses to react wrongly or negatively (Dr.Rod) lolz.

Love needs alot of this… think think think… (winnie the pooh)

I happen to be really sensitive, he is very sensitive as well, but he controls and tolerates, absorbs once in a while. Sigh… It takes two hands to clap. Two person to love. I wish I can do my part and stop over reacting. I’m lost… Over react is only for those that needs attention. I may need it.

How should I react? Sigh… See the word “attached” at the posted image? I guess I’m way too attached -.-

I’m frustrated. I just want to go home and sleep. There is this feeling on my chest ever since I called him. I’m getting real fed-up and I’m sure he is too. He says, “I’m sorry” but he doesn’t mention what he is sorry about. That word “sorry” is no cure to me. It adds to my frustration because it seems that he says “sorry” but he doesn’t know where he was wrong. Some times I wonder… How long will this ring remain on my finger? He doesn’t seem interested in building our relationship anymore. We are getting further apart. That need to “stay away” and “have some space” takes place which brings us far apart. He might need a break, but all I can say is, if you want to have a break, might as well break-up because couples don’t need a break. If they need that, there is something wrong in the relationship and the couple should work things out. It became so hard for me to “give” anymore. I just don’t feel like fetching him or picking him up anymore because it doesn’t feel worth it. He would give that “tone” when he speaks to me. I wish I could describe the “tone”. Its just like, he has had enough. Would you use that tone on someone who “give” so much?

Obligation. I don’t use to feel obligated, but now it does, because he shows no effort what-so-ever no matter how much I remind him that he should go look for a job, he should wake up earlier and do something meaningful, he should not skip his meal and he should play less dota. He has nothing to do and all he does is feel tired because he overslept and lack of exercise. “Bad character corrupts the good.” I’m getting lazy as well. I can’t depend on him. Should I depend on a man like this? Should this person be my future spouse? What if he slacks like his dad though he said he will never be like his dad? What if when I depend on him he doesn’t like it because he is used to depending on me? He will have more pressure, stress and burden.

Burden. He said “I’m never his burden.” Well lets try and see if I depend on him. I believe he will feel that and he hates that feeling.

Doubts. I am having too much doubts on our relationship and our future. Can he be the one that I can depend on? Only time will tell me the answer… I know I’m pressuring him too much for a guy who doesn’t used to do much. Well that’s only because I wish he would be someone I can depend on. I’m now doing most of the things a boyfriend does for his girlfriend only because I wish he would get up and be the man. Like any other girl out there… I just want to be… a normal girlfriend which doesn’t have to be the man… It’s sad if we don’t work out, because I really thought he is the one.

Love is Give & Take

Stubborn

At times of post-economic crisis, I was lucky to have found a job. Graduating with a degree and honours, I know my papers doesn’t matter. I just have to take what is the most attractive yet reasonable. I took the right job, because if I haven’t took that job, there wont be any better offers out there any more. Close to home, good pay, wide market, stable industry and flexible hours.

But friends that graduate with me are just so stubborn. It has been 3 months that they are jobless and yet they don’t see how important it is to just grab what is given. Sorry to say, chances of them being successful is there but its going to take very long. In my company, there is a place for everyone. Medical is the number one industry that can survive in times of crisis. Health check up is essential and it is a neccessity. The market is huge because 1/3 of the population are ageing or in the age of where common illness will occur. 1/3 also has not done check up. Statistics here is… crap but I remember its something like that. Every person u help by bringing them for a check up, you earn RM500. Gawd… Thats very good! Comprehensive check-up plus you can save thousands!

Friends of mine just give me 3 words. “IM NOT INTERESTED.” Well fine, we will see what job you get, how much you earn, how well you will do and how much of regret will there be when one has to do treatment coz its too late. If they do have check-up, they are going to regret how darn affordable it is in my company and how darn efficient it is! That time, as a friend I will only say 3 things. IN YOUR FACE! I TOLD YOU!!! NEVERMIND, ITS NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND -.- Everybody gets a chance. I will just forgive ya… Coz you are my friend. Hugz~

HIBERNATOR

I have seen many human hibernator and in many people’s lives, everyone will experience “hibernating” sessions. It can be from a week long to years. It is normal to hibernate for a week because these people probably needed a week break after a long days of work or heavy activities. People that hibernate for a month would be students. Some students use their one month to spend time with friends hanging out, some use one month to get healthy, exercising and eating, sleeping well. Some just use this period to sleep. The worst hibernators are those that has a job or studies but instead of working or going to class, they sleep and laze off. The other one that is worst are the ones that has no job and has no classes but just stay home lazing off. These people aren’t interested in living but they prefer leaching. These slackers needs to be shaken, awaken and slapped. It is time to come back down to earth.

Myself is a slacker for a month but at least there is an income from work! I really admire those people that are really active and pumped up. Always on their feet, alert and attentive. They are ready to run and take action. I don’t have that much energy but it is possible.

I wish you… are an active person that makes use of your time. Get something done and stop leaching. Time to get up. Time wasted could have been used to do so much in life and you have wasted it.